Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
