party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
