I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
