no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
