She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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