He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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