It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
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You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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