Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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