Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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