At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
