Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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