I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
