I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
