Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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