She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
