I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
