oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I want to make a zoo with you.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
