i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
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some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
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I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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