Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
