I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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