i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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