I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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