he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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