There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
