I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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