i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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