I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
