I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
