her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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