Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
