She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
