I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
