I think I won the penis lottery.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
