three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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