rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
