In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
don't judge my taste in strippers
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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