Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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