alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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