Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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