I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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