Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
