I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize