My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
