just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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