i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
