We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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