I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
