Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
