Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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