Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
