Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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