his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
