All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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