I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
