I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
