my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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