Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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