If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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