Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
