what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
