She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
